My Dark Night of the Soul experience
Vulnerability creates massive healing and freedom… so let’s get deep with this one! Transformation is not often going to look like what we think it should…
Transformation is my lifestyle…
In this journey of a blog together I’ll cover:
What it is, and WHY it happens
When & Why mine happened
Some personal dark stories
My Ego Death
How you can avoid having one
What to do if you feel like YOU or SOMEONE YOU KNOW is in one RIGHT NOW!
To start, if you don’t know,
A Dark Night of the Soul is…
Not a measurable thing. Its more of a phenomenon that involves a spiritual awakening and ego death. It’s not just one really bad night or psychedelic trip… It can be a week or multiple years long. It is “a collapse of a perceived meaning in life… a deep sense of meaninglessness. The experience in some cases is very close to what we call depression.” as Eckhart Tolle describes.
I notice a lot of people going through it when they start finding spirituality, but haven’t yet healed their parent wounds, or looked at their own ego, and thus build up a spiritualized ego, and end up suffering, in the loneliness of their hidden darkness. The key is that they’re unwilling to open up honestly about their experience. (Their Ego is afraid to be seen)
What someone often experiences is…
Nothing making sense anymore, and that there’s no point in trying because you keep being proven that everything will fail you. Sometimes it’s triggered by some external event, like a disaster. The death of someone you love could easily trigger it, especially if the death was tragic or premature like a child death. Or you had built up your life, and given it meaning – and the meaning that you had given your life, for some reason collapses. This could be due to an Ego Death experience or some sort of spiritual awakening, where your preconceived ideas about who you are, and what life is all about, suddenly takes a huge turn and you’re left shocked, confused, hopeless… You can’t explain things away anymore, you don’t trust LIFE, or yourself. So that results in a dark place.
But theres a great potential that you emerge out of this Dark Night into a transformed, more awakened state of consciousness. Life will have MORE meaning, it’s no longer as conceptual, based from your mind that you can easily explain. The egoic sense of self dies, but nothing has literally died – just the illusory identity! You go through this and end up realizing that you had to go through what you did, in order to level up and birth your true self. All of this changes your perception of life and others as well, as life is a mirror.
WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN?
We are souls, with a mind, ego, and body. We are not just humans that have consciousness. We are consciousness. We are here in this incarnation for a reason. Everything about our life is meaningful, if you choose to see it that way. The interesting thing is, it’s equally as easy to see life as meaningless, but from my experience of LIVING that belief, one gives you more energy, and one feels like its killing and torturing you. You have to admit that you want to live, otherwise you would be dead. That theres a spark in you, and your whole body fights to be alive every millisecond. If you are here, alive, breathing, with a body, thoughts, and emotions, you have an abundance of reasons to perceive that this life is an amazing gift. Once again it’s all CHOICE.
Remembering. When we incarnate to Earth, it’s part of the deal we agree to - to forget who we truly are in our (goddess & godly) entirety. Otherwise there would be no point to this seemingly linear, physical existence with so many limitations, laws, rules. etc if we knew we could collapse all timelines, be completely at peace, and live in Utopia. We have to forget, or order to remember. The purpose of remembering, is that human/spiritual evolution is like a spiral. It’s not like an up and down graph or stepping forward or backward. When we experience something twice, it’s NEVER the exact same. There are no two seconds that we are ever identical to a another moment in time. So, when we remember, we evolve and expand our consciousness. We come here to learn our true power, by forgetting it, to find new appreciation, and connectedness.
Our ego needs a detox. It’s no coincidence that when we are born we NEED to be attached in order to survive. Yes, the codependency starts with our caregiver(usually mother) - and it was needed in order to survive. Some say that our first trauma on earth is Birth, because we are separated from our life source and brought into a loud, foreign, scary environment often very abruptly and even painfully. Many of us were born with a slap on the butt from a doctor within the first minute of our birth. When we go through life and we age, we are developing our sense of self/identity/ego. We are purely a sponge. It has been observed that we move through/develop through the Chakras starting at the Root Chakra. We stay developing in the Root Chakra until age 7, so all of our security, and family beliefs are solidified then for example. We absorb so many beliefs and energies that are coming from others woundedness. We learn to live life from this limited illusion of untrustworthiness and fear, and if we’re destined for more freedom, an ego detox will be in order. Detox is not painless. Toxins are disruptive, sticky, even manipulative in an energetic sense. So it takes energy to find balance and harmony within mind body and soul again.
A higher calling. Sometimes were dead asleep and need a bucket of cold water to wake up, though its a rude awakening… it’s better to rip off that bandaid than stay comfortable in the mundane, misaligned, unfulfilled, ego based way of living. Sometimes you reach a point when no matter what you get that you think you wanted or what would make you happy - you find yourself still feeling unfulfilled - and you ask yourself whats wrong with you? Only to discover theres something beyond the material plane. Something that money cant buy… and you go down a rabbit hole of what life really is beyond what we can see and have been told.
When & Why mine happened
It’s hard to define when it began or ended… It just felt like a black hole of being in a confusing dream/nightmare that never ended. When I was in it, I kept it a secret. Which is a clue as to why I needed my Dark Night of the Soul.
Ps. This is going to be only one angle on my life story. There was a lot of beauty in it all as well.
I had my first serious thought of wanting to end my life at age 10. I was being bullied maliciously for reasons that made me detest humans. I learned that people are jealous, manipulative and abusive liars, the longer school progressed. I clearly remember feeling extremely empathetic (but not knowing what it was called back then). I would sit in class and be feeling SO many energies from others. I remember back as early as grade 3, picking up on other kids habits - especially when they were of a dishonest or manipulative nature. I was very sensitive, quiet and “shy”. I was often alone, observing others, and listening to all the dynamics at play. I would watch the game of telephone happen, and see how easily distorted stories became from one person to another. I honestly feel that even though we were kids, we were psychically feeling each other deeply. I moved schools often, and would every single time without a doubt, be picked on, and would have rumours going around about me. My mom told me they were just jealous and intimidated because I’m quiet and nice. This confused me and my walls started to go up.
My heart always just wanted to help people, but no-one would let me in. I found my best friend of all time, Denise. We were best friends for about 4 years straight. I finally had a friend I could trust and it felt like it was us against the world! I could be myself with her, and we were both misunderstood and bullied, so we felt stronger together. Until we started going our separate ways, which was traumatic and immature of us the way it went down (like most things in high school lol). I once again was alone without a friend group in high school. I would hide in the bathroom to eat my lunch. I’d do everything I could to avoid being seen alone at lunch hour. I HATED high school. I LOVED learning but would dread going to school EVERY SINGLE DAY.
My first Heart Break…
I was asked out by a 12th grader in grade 10, and I fell in love with him. Only to find out that I was part of a BET and it was all lie-based. He told me he was taking as his date to his Graduation… soon after I saw on Facebook he was grad dress shopping with an Brazilian Exchange student. He told me it was all just a bet and shattered my heart completely carelessly. I felt humiliated for being so open, and putting my heart on the chopping block. I then had to see him prancing around at school showing off his relationship with the exchange student everyday. I was laughed at, and gossiped about - which is what I was used to - but this was a new Heart Break.
I didn’t realize I already had beliefs about men from my upbringing, so it actually comes to no surprise to me now. But from there on out I became a serial monogamist… Meaning I jumped from one serious relationship to the next, investing all my time into it and ending up losing it all. These relationships were a distraction. They focused my mind and emotions on someone else, which meant I didn’t have to feel all the darkness of my past that I hadn’t dealt with. I didn’t heal, I didn’t understand the past, beyond feeling victimized by it. I built walls around my heart and only let one person in at a time, because thats all I could control.
When the relationships ended, it was always unhealthy in some way. I was either being heart broken or breaking someones heart. I was either running away from them, chasing them, or they were cheating on me, or controlling me. They were beautiful and loving in many ways, but had a lot of unconscious ego in it. These relationships were what woke me up to my own illusory beliefs.
My Dark Night of the Soul happened twice.
The ego is very resilient.
EVERYTHING that traumatized me, woke me up. So, although it was brutal, I’m so grateful for it all.
I truly did NOT accept myself. I had to cover up my flaws as much as possible to be comfortable around others. I got a job at a Nightclub, which changed everything.
I was required to put on a certain image - therefore I got a lot of flattery and positive attention, which kept me there, as I had literally never received that from my peers before. It felt like I was redeeming myself. In one way, it boosted my false sense of self/ my ego, yet healed the part of me that had no sense of worthiness.
I began to like myself… and I opened up to people, started hanging out with “cool” people. I was never into partying, but I started joining in on the fun. I started smoking, drinking, and doing drugs. My intention was pure, I was seeking LOVE, but I was lacking guidance. I fell into a love addiction with a Narcissist that played me, for years. I attracted it because I did not feel worthy of healthy love, and did not have a good relationship with myself or my father. After falling madly in love, this guy abandoned me and tried to ruin my reputation, then came back, to use me again. This love obsession spiralled me into addiction and depression - The beginning of my darkest days. When he came back, I fell for it. I put in everything I had to prove my worthiness to him AGAIN, then realized our incompatibility and how miserable I was on a soul level… Our relationship was PURELY ego based. I started to see that I was trying to “save” and “fix” people.
🍄 My 1st Mushroom Trip / accidental Hero’s Journey 🍄
I had to beg and plead for him to LET me do it. I knew I was ready. I explained how it was for spiritual reasons. Later I learned he was so controlling about what I do with my body, because he was secretly still addicted to cocaine (which is Projection).
That trip CHANGED MY LIFE. I wanted to start slow, but he mis-dosed me and I ended up on a Hero’s Journey for around 15 hours. I was never the same. I still remember the trip in many details. Overall, I loved the experience! But there was some serious darkness in it. Whenever I tried to share my excitement of what I was experiencing, I would look over to my ex, and he was hiding under the covers or miserably staring off in the distance. I asked if I could help. He didn’t want to hear me speak!! I tried to not let it affect me, but it began to become pitch black outside and we were in a tent with no lights. I laid next to him in the darkness, and this is where things got really bad. Fast forward, its hours later, and I had died and reincarnated into dirt molecules, worms, every living being you can imagine, angels and consciousness itself… I felt like I was on a continuum that would literally never end. I was in psychosis. I just wanted it to end. I told him I wanted to die, and asked him to kill me. He called his VERY liberal mother who picked us up, and I could barely walk to the car. The car ride home felt like 10 hours, though it was probably 30 mins tops. She scolded us, yet was loving and concerned. I came home to my kitten, and felt blissed out, was still very high for many hours in bed. I laid there with my kitten, drawing in the air my hands that were leaving rainbow outlines. I told my boyfriend the next day that I am absolutely doing that again, but alot less and smarter. He said if I ever touch that shi* again he’s leaving me and never talking to me again. This was threatened often, and he’s abandoned me before - so he was using it against my attachment I had for him. But this time, I realized, it was a HUGE SIGN for me to MOVE ON, and I was no longer attached to this person.
Life will drag you if you don’t let go.
I ended up getting pregnant, and having an abortion - to finally see how toxic our relationship was. But I was 100% in victim mentality.
Thus began my spiritual awakening…
I thought everything was getting better! I researched all these esoteric topics and started my job at a Float centre for sensory deprivation. I started fantasizing about what it would be like to be with someone spiritual that could love what I do, and love the way I do. We broke up, it was messy. Then what did I do? Hop to another relationship? Yep! I thought I was being a lot more careful this time because this new guy was actually respectful, and actually loved and cared about me. I didn’t realize I needed time ALONE, to process and integrate and look within, to understand my past, and find my TRUE SELF. So I jumped into this relationship, blinded by the Twin Flame energy of finally finding another wounded soul who just wanted to love and be loved. I didn’t have any close friends, just acquaintances, and NOBODY told me they have a bad feeling about it, except for a few new friends of this new boyfriend I had that told me he was in Jail for Domestic Abuse. I tried to break up within a month of us beginning, then the physical abuse started, and my second Dark Night of the Soul. I was already so humiliated by where I was in life - since alllll I posted about online was how admirable my relationships were… and they kept ending… My ego was trying to preserve the last limb of it’s existence. I wanted to be looked up to, and not judged, so I only showed the good, and pretended I had it all figured out.
— I am a lover
I want to pause here and say that every single one of my ex’s I LOVED SO MUCH. Literally made my eyes water just now to type that out. Some I saw as my my king, my soul mate or my hubby. They may have been Trauma Bonds, but they were Tremendously Beautiful as well, and I am so grateful and love them to this day. My relationships were the things that taught me the most.
If you know someone who is going through super toxic relationship patterns - tell them about this book!
The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle changed my LIFE!
It showed me for the first time how I WAS THE PROBLEM, no-one else. I just wish someone had the guts to fckin tell me! But I was so isolated! My “Twin Flame” ex and I went through the Dark Night of our Souls together. We did lots of psychedelics and body/energy work together to try and heal our wounds. We researched and learned all that we could to expand our consciousness, we talked about our trauma, cried together, fought, and lived in fear and desperation… the highs were high, and the lows were low, and it was clear I was growing in a different direction than him. Two years later of thinking about it and trying to do it, I finally got the courage to ask for help OUTSIDE OF ME. My ego was afraid and I had to say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. I surrendered and disciplined myself to doing Yoga everyday and eating a Raw Vegan diet - which gave me so much mental clarity to see allll of my past and present. I was living a lie, and needed to admit I was wrong! Admit to my mom that I don’t know what I’m doing! I never asked for anything from her. I wanted to show her I was strong, and that she was a good mother! I felt like an infant when I had to go back home to my moms for a year and start fresh.
Another huge part of my awakening involved saying sorry, and forgiving my exes, myself, and my father, and seeing it from a perspective that it all happened out of love.
Since then, I’ve done 10 ayahuasca ceremonies which has healed and saved me in many ways. I’ve grown exponentially and feel highly conscious of my light and shadow, and have beautiful relationships with friends and family!
Now I’m planning to go travel the world alone… Mind blowing! When I was in the Darkest Days, I couldn’t even see what was in front of me clearly.
How you can avoid having one?
If you don’t think you’ve had one yet - AMAZING! It’s definitely not a necessary experience for evolution! But I will say Ego Disillusionment is necessary for spiritual enlightenment. I believe we can all ALWAYS benefit from seeing how and where and why we are being unconsciously egoic.
Ego is not always a bad thing.
It’s a part of you, a part of this life, and it has tools. In fact, the ego is your servant. Whatever you tell it to focus on, do, believe, it will find evidence for that. Your consciousness can drive the ship!
You may not be able to avoid having one if you’re meant to have one. I believe you can avoid having an unnecessarily spontaneous, surprising rude awakening though!!
Start admitting alllllll your truths - shamelessly
Practice things like Yoga, Breathwork, & Journalling
See a spiritual psychologist or life coach!
Do plant medicine see a shaman! (Ayahuasca saved me)
WE ALL NEED SOMEONE TO PUT OUR UNCONSCIOUS EGO IN CHECK. (Wish I did this sooner)
What to do if you feel like YOU or SOMEONE YOU KNOW is in one RIGHT NOW!?
Shadow Work is needed. Lately I’ve been calling Shadow work - Shadow LOVE, or Shadow Play, and I’ve recently realized I am really doing the work of Love Alchemy. Shadow work is NOT going to hurt you. It will just poke at the lies, and show you the freeing truth. I am so grateful that I got to tell people about my experiences and that my friends and family came around to support me. It was a vulnerable time. I also met some new friends who helped me integrate the healing from my past even more. Thats the thing, it doesn’t really ever end - the healing and enlightenment is a journey, and you CANNOT do it alone.
So many people push away help, and feel alone, not realizing that they deserve help and are loved. These are the lies that need to be dismantled.
We are ALL deserving of love. We can ALL wake up to see this and live and breathe this day in and out!
What I’ve learned from my experience is that a person who is going through toxic patterns, needs to look at themselves.
The fastest way to heal is to be facilitated - supported through this. To have someone reflect our shadow, show us our faults, and yet hold us LOVINGLY through the painful realization of our own lies and mistakes. If we do shadow work alone, it can feel ugly. But to have someone immediately prove with their presence that no matter what it looks like I am still here and love you unconditionally, is the BEST way to awaken to higher states of consciousness and live much more fulfilled.
As you may know, I hold 1:1 Private Shadow Love Sessions and almost ANYONE can benefit from this work.
Book a free call with me if you have questions about this service, or connect with me online to chat!
Mirror Mirror,
I love you.
Zaia.
